from A State of Grace
THE NINTH STEP
Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. — SLAA Core Documents, “The Twelve Steps of SLAA”
It can be a terrifying idea to think of contacting someone from the past and admitting to them that we behaved badly. The shame around our actions may have been brewing for years. It’s painful to admit face-to-face that we were wrong. They might not believe us, or worse, they might try to get revenge and harm us in some way. But confronting shame that we tried to bury with numbing out behaviours helps us to be humble and clear away the wreckage of the past. We have to confront ourselves when we listen to the person we are making amends to. They may lovingly understand or they may tell us a list of grievances. We should hear them and consider where we can improve ourselves from their feedback. If they are wrong in their assessment, we can realize that we have changed. We don’t argue with them. We quietly listen and later take any resentments to our Higher Power and fellows. I used to take the “except when to do so would injure them or others” part of this step as an excuse not to contact people. So, I let my sponsor decide each case. For some, I had to just let go and write a letter to them that I would never send. I’ve had emotional miracles happen with amends-making, mending relationships that had been broken for years. Thank God I got over the fear and did the work!
I will not be afraid to make amends today, knowing my Higher Power is there by my side.
From Answers in the Heart
Solitude: A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay.
— Josh Billings
One trait shared by sex addicts is that we don’t like to ask for help. We often sit in our Twelve Step meetings telling each other how hard it is to ask for help, and it sometimes seems we spend a lot of energy talking about it, but not asking for help.
Since many of us grew up with messages of isolation and shame being constantly reinforced, help can seem like a luxury reserved for other people. We think we don’t deserve it. We think we should be able to handle everything. We fail to realize we need help because we’re used to living in crisis. We tell ourselves our concerns and problems aren’t important enough to bother people with. Then, when life gets complicated, we blame ourselves for feeling overwhelmed and unable to act.
But we do deserve help. We deserve all the help we want and need, whether it’s a ride home when our car won’t start or a friend’s arms to hold us when we’re crying. We’re worth the time, effort, and concern of others not because we’re different, but because we’re the same.
Today, I will take the risk of asking for help, if help is what I need.
Daily Meditation Books
Answers in the Heart - daily meditations for people recovering from sex addiction
Touchstones - daily meditations for recovering men A State of Grace - daily meditations by SLAA members
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