from A State of Grace
CONSENSUAL SEX
I am learning to eliminate abuse of all sorts from my life... I give all I can, in whatever way I can, so that when the time comes that I get the insane urge to throw myself away on an abusive sex or love partner, I will be saved. SLAA and God can save me if I put them first before my sex drive and my need for love. — SLAA Basic Text, Page 260
During written inventories, we discover how much we used and manipulated others or indulged in mutually harmful activities. I always used excuses, saying, “But hey, it was consensual.” Just because a sexual relationship is consensual, that doesn’t mean it’s morally healthy. Throughout my 5th Step, my sponsor kept saying, “In this situation you both were consenting adults, but he was spiritually sick just like you. And when you’re doing something because you’re powerless over an addiction it’s not really giving consent. You’re high and not in your right mind.” When it comes to sex, I now need to pause and ask myself, “Is this for my greater good?” And I need to think about the other person. I ask myself, “Is this for their greater good?” I can’t always take people at their word because I have an addict in me that can misinterpret and manipulate any situation. To stay centred and on the path of sobriety, it’s helpful for me to outwardly question my motives with the help of my program, my sponsor, and outreach calls. Today I make sure I get more than merely verbal consent before any sexual involvement. I seek the spiritual consent of my Higher Power through the feedback of my support network.
I will check my motives and take a realistic look at the situation with the support of my Higher Power and program before deciding to have sex.
From Answers in the Heart
The novel is the perfect medium for revealing to us the changing rainbow of our living relationships.
— D. H. Lawrence
Our everyday life often becomes so predictable we become oblivious to variation in life. We establish connections with people and then perhaps take them for granted. Even in our intimate relationships we may not be aware of the changes taking place.
But change is the law of life. Nothing is static, least of all people. We see this when we read a well-written novel, where our vision of the characters is constantly shifting as they evolve and change during the story. From our privileged, objective position as readers we watch the ebb and flow of relationships as they develop and become different.
We can take this perspective into our own lives. We can become more attentive to the complexity and subtleties of our inner lives and our relationships with those we love. As we recover from our addiction, this can help us be open to the new and the marvellous in our relationships.
I want to become attentive to change and renewal in everything around me, especially my relationships.
Daily Meditation Books
Answers in the Heart - daily meditations for people recovering from sex addiction
Touchstones - daily meditations for recovering men A State of Grace - daily meditations by SLAA members