from A State of Grace
FLIRTING
The fear that we were not or could not be deserving of real love led us to make excessive sacrifices to parents or lovers, to flirt with everyone to prove we were attractive, and to lie to impress others. — SLAA Basic Text, Page 81
In addiction, flirting is usually about empty promises. We flirt to get craved attention or material things such as promotions at work or discounts at stores or bars. But the intended purpose of flirting should be to let someone else know of our interest in them. When done for any other reason, it can be considered acting out. We don’t want to send the wrong message. It’s better to abstain from flirting unless we want to pursue a relationship. If it is used to pursue a relationship, we need to be mindful of how we flirt. Before sobriety, my method of flirting was to use sexualizing language and tell a potential partner what I was capable of. My fellows in SLAA helped me curb that behaviour. Healthy flirting during sober dating is different. It was a whole new experience for me. When my love interest took the conversation down a sexual path, I steered it back to everyday conversation. The kind of person who needed this kind of flirting was not for me anymore. This was scary for me. I had always been so insecure about my ability to find real love that I thought sexualizing was necessary to get and keep a partner. Refraining from this type of flirting helped me find true love and a healthy partnership.
I will state my true intention today and be honest in my actions.
From Answers in the Heart
Man is what he believes.
— Anton Chekhov
Practising sex addicts act out of a perverted set of beliefs. This system convinces us we are worthless and shameful, and therefore our actions don’t matter. In this way we were able to avoid taking responsibility for what we did, and we were not “there” within our own sexuality.
Sooner or later we found that our fantasies and acts didn’t satisfy us. They were empty, ritual gestures that had no real human connection. We treated others as objects to gratify our own addictive desires so that nothing had any meaning beyond our self-serving fantasies.
In order to change our actions, we must change our beliefs. This is difficult to accomplish alone; we need to bounce our ideas off others. In a group where we are accepted and feel at home, we can try out new beliefs and develop new ways of relating to ourselves and to the world. We learn to change our values and our behavior, so that our addiction can be shed like an old skin.
I am beginning to change my beliefs so that my feelings can change about myself and my relationship with others.
Daily Meditation Books
Answers in the Heart - daily meditations for people recovering from sex addiction
Touchstones - daily meditations for recovering men A State of Grace - daily meditations by SLAA members
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