from A State of Grace
TERMINAL UNIQUENESS
I realised that I could have been anyone else, that my seeming uniqueness as a “lover” was an illusion. I was trying to trump up a sense of my singular, irreplaceable qualities as a person through engaging in one of the great common denominators of mankind. Hardly unique, I was merely another player. — SLAA Basic Text, Page 22
I think the keyword here is “terminal.” Uniqueness sets me apart from others and isolation will set me on the path to self-destruction. All human beings want to be unique. I was always trying to be better than everyone in the room or did crazy things to stand out. I usually ended up hurting myself in the process. When I joined SLAA, I needed to become part of the community. My sponsor told me to become a worker among workers. Trying to stick out and get noticed would send me running from the rooms. And if I had run from the rooms, I never would have found recovery and I would surely have died. I had to identify instead of compete. I had to find humility and fellowship. I had to listen to old-timers and follow what worked for them. I couldn’t do the Steps or Program my way. Identifying with other sex and love addicts and becoming part of the Program of recovery was difficult. I battled my ego every step of the way. Being of service and reaching out to others saves me.
I will follow the program of action that has worked for others and not worry about being unique.
From Answers in the Heart
Extremists think “communication” means agreeing with them.
— Leo Rosten
A woman was talking to a woman friend about her difficulties with a male colleague at work. When she finished, her friend said, “It’s hard, isn’t it, when someone else doesn’t speak our language?”
So often men and women aren’t speaking the same language. Someone who cries at work runs the risk of being called overemotional, or someone who sticks to the task at hand, no matter what, is perceived as cold and insensitive.
As practicing addicts, we relied on sex to define our behaviour and our roles. We thought sex was always the highest form of expression and communication. Now we are trying to find new ways to communicate, especially nonsexual ways. The solution is not to speak the same language to the point of eradicating our masculinity or femininity when we deal with the opposite sex. Rather, we can look for a common language that still affirms our uniqueness as human beings.
My style of communication — how I express myself — is always evolving. I will let myself be who I am.
Daily Meditation Books
Answers in the Heart - daily meditations for people recovering from sex addiction
Touchstones - daily meditations for recovering men A State of Grace - daily meditations by SLAA members
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