from A State of Grace
PREDATORY BEHAVIOUR
Accessory behaviours include the strategies I have used to obtain partners or materials for acting out. They are warning signs, obsessions and rituals that may precede an episode of acting out or “acting in.” — SLAA Basic Text, Page 108
My sponsor told me to write “watch predatory behaviour and flirting” on my bottom lines list. These are behaviours that may not necessarily be a slip, but ones that I need to be very careful around. Predatory behaviour can sneak up on me and I’m doing it before I’m aware of it. When I have the thought that I’m attracted to a newcomer, I might approach them to be helpful, not knowing that my ulterior motive is to steal attention from them to feed my ego. This is dangerous ground that could eventually lead to 13th stepping if I don’t stay aware of my motives. Flirting is similar. I have to be sure that I’m doing it with an available person for the purpose of dating and not to obtain some kind of self-serving reward. There are many other predatory behaviours that I engaged in in the beginning of my recovery in SLAA (driving by his neighbourhood, dressing in skimpy clothing, having conversations with an erotic subtext, etc.). This kept me acting out for years. I started writing down a list of these behaviours and this kept me vigilant. Finally, the tide started to turn and I was able to stay sober.
I will be aware of my behaviour today and tell on myself if I start to engage in predatory behaviours. I will look for support from my fellows and my Higher Power to have the strength to abstain.
From Answers in the Heart
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
— Albert Einstein
We used to think we knew it all. We had grandiose ideas about ourselves. We stopped asking hard questions that could cause our fragile world of make-believe and deviousness to come crashing down. We protected our addiction by fleeing from the questions that could have started us on the road to recovery.
One day the questions flooded in unchecked. Why am I out of control? How come I can’t look my beloved in the eye? Why don’t I have time for my friends? Why do I get irritated with my children? Why do I feel so bad about myself, so filled with shame? Why can’t I cope? Why is my life unmanageable?
Unmanageable? When we feel this question deeply, then we are already on the road to recovery, for we know we can’t continue to go it alone. The question suggests an answer: we need others, a different system of support, a program of recovery, a Higher Power, serenity, love.
This is what we really wanted and needed, and this is what we find in our Twelve Step program.
_Learning to be honest means continuing to ask questions about ourselves and our situation in the world._
Daily Meditation Books
Answers in the Heart - daily meditations for people recovering from sex addiction
Touchstones - daily meditations for recovering men A State of Grace - daily meditations by SLAA members